Amy Stevenson

I know that life seems to be throwing some incredibly tough challenges your way, especially with the traumatic brain injury you sustained at the tender age of eight.

The road you have travelled so far has been filled with obstacles, frustration and moments of deep despair and isolation.

I understand the struggles you face every day, trying to fit in, trying to be understood and trying to navigate a world that often feels overwhelming and unforgiving. Always wondering how to make yourself ‘normal’ again. Mobile again. Always praying that someone, something, will fix you. The Dr will fix me, the physio will fix me, the exercises will fix me, the operation will fix me.

It’s going to be incredibly disheartening and frustrating, after facing the years of medical intervention, that your struggles seem unresolved. You will often feel defeated, helpless, and unsure of where to turn next.

Becoming a young woman is very scary for you - how you look and feel about yourself. The weakness in your face and down the right side of your body, the double vision and the scars on your legs. The fact that you now have to keep the external fixator on your leg for another 12 months because your bone has broken again after the leg lengthening procedure. It is completely understandable that you want to give up.

You feel like you don't belong and often question your worth. Will I ever have a ‘normal’ life, be in a relationship, get married, have children, find a job, own a house that I can upkeep with dogs that I can walk?

So, I'm writing you this letter to remind you that you are a fighter and you have the resilience to push through even the toughest of times.

As you grow older you will face many challenges. Because of your brain injury, and because of the struggles that come with simply being human.

I want you to know, that despite everything, you will show incredible strength, resilience and determination. You face adversity head on, never giving up, even when the odds seem stacked against you. I want to reassure you that the challenges that you are going to face only make you stronger and wiser.

Looking back I can see that you are feeling detached from yourself as a person and feel a kind of dissociation. You won’t understand this right now but it is just your way of coping with the traumatic experiences that you have had and your worry about the future.

Try and remember it is not about reaching a destination but about the journey itself and the person you are becoming along the way.

You will experience relationships. You will walk down the aisle without your wheelchair or crutches. You will own a house and have dogs that you manage to walk daily.

However, the most incredible part of your life will be the unconditional love that you feel for your three amazing children who inspire you every day.

You will manage to carry each of them full term. Each of them will be a slightly different birth including a caesarean section, which you will heal from quickly, a natural birth with slight intervention and no intervention for the final one. You will have the strength to breastfeed your first for eight months and this time will be very special to you.

By the time Ben reaches 13 he will be five inches taller than you, with his rugby player physique. At 11, Owen will have reached every milestone necessary for a strong healthy child and make you laugh every day, with the very special bond that you share.

Then there is your beautiful daughter Maisie, who is eight. You look at her some days at and wonder if that is what you were like at that age, before your accident. Beautiful, strong, feisty, sporty, always enjoying life and very sociable.

I am proud of how you learn to accept yourself exactly as you are. Always trying to be the best version that you can be, but knowing that your limp, your aches and pains, your discomfort and your scars are your war wounds and proof of your undeniable battle.

Embrace your strengths and weaknesses, your triumphs and your failures. Know that it is ok to struggle and face challenges and to ask for help when you need it.

You are not defined by your past or your limitations. You are defined by your courage, your resilience and your unwavering determination.

Keep moving forward with that determination that has carried you this far. But know that you don't always need to look too far ahead and worry about the future. Embrace each day as it comes. Face each day with courage and grace. And never forget the incredible power that lies within you. You are stronger than you know.

As you reach the milestone of 40 years old you have a moment in your hectic life to look back on the path you have travelled, reflecting on the struggles that you have overcome, the battles you have fought and the victories you have achieved.

As I finish this letter with love and empathy for you and every other young person that is dealing with trauma, I look in the mirror and reflect on my unique figure, stretch marks, scars, roundness where I once wanted flatness, softness where I once wanted firmness, that all form a bundle of never-quite-rightness, and I whisper to myself ‘I love you exactly as you are’.

With love and admiration,

My 40-year-old-self